A potpourri of projects by James J. Sarkis
Rochester, NY

Sometimes the only way to hold on to hope in a seemingly hopeless situation is to express one's inner thoughts in writing. I'm going to give this a shot to see if it brings me any relief.

A moment of self-reflection... Since the year 2006, something personal and extremely important to me has been privately building up inside my heart. For so many years, I was afraid to bring up the subject for fear of what the reaction might be. I finally summoned the courage to take action a few years ago but, as fate would have it, my attempts to open up were unsuccessful, and I never got to say what I wanted to say. A cycle of unpleasant actions and reactions was set into motion which continues to this day without any end in sight. It's my firm belief that if I was ever afforded the opportunity to openly discuss what I've held back for so long, then the problems which exist today would be peacefully resolved, and there would be happiness at last. Sadly, this opportunity hasn't been extended to me. There have been a handful of external forces at work obstructing my desire for peace and making any hope for a positive outcome feel impossible, while others stand silently by and do nothing to help resolve this situation. That's so unfortunate, because I don't think any of this would've happened if the truth was actually known. I sit idly by in my prison, hoping and waiting for good news to finally arrive in the form of a pleasant phone call or long-awaited personal visit, but it's becoming increasingly unlikely that this will ever occur. All I'm left with now is feelings of regret.

Would things be any different today had I been a braver man and spoken up years ago? Perhaps, though it was impossible for me to predict how someone might react. I'm not a mind-reader, after all. Is it too late for me to say what I need to say? I don't know. Present circumstances prevent me from doing so, despite my having the best of intentions. I have no idea what, if anything, can be done at this point, and this is causing me great despair. It appears as though time is quickly running out and the window of opportunity is about to close forever. How I wish that I could turn back the clock and change things. I would've reacted differently, spoken kinder words, and I certainly would have been bolder and revealed the truth years ago instead of silently waiting for some dream scenario which never materialized. I unknowingly gave off the impression that I didn't care, while the truth is the exact opposite. To my great sadness, the past is the past, and I'm left searching for a narrow sliver of light in the present darkness. I desperately hope that someday soon, before time expires on me, that I can have just one more chance to share what's so important. Even if my words end up being rejected, at the very least I could say that I tried and that I didn't leave any uncertainty about this. I know in my heart that if the opportunity ever presents itself, that I'd seize the chance immediately regardless of the risks. I'm done with keeping my mouth shut. I'm done with speaking in riddles that go misunderstood. This unending, gnawing pain caused by my silence is too great a burden to bear, and I can't fathom spending the rest of my life suffering like this and wondering... "what if?"

I stand now at the most critical crossroad of my life. Do I remain here in Rochester, waiting for an opportunity which might never arrive; watching in pain and forced into silence while some punk cabrón has appeared out of nowhere to steal away what I've been fighting so hard for and to shove his unwelcome presence in my face? (I hope that I never see that man again.) Or should I move to North Carolina and gamble that this move might finally enkindle a change of heart in someone leading at long last to the chance I've been hoping and praying for? The stress of this decision is overwhelming and leaves me in tears. Can I really abandon my family forever to chase after a roll of the dice? What will I do if I make the move down South and there ends up being no change of heart and I never get a chance to privately discuss this most important subject? I've sacrificed so much already in what feels like a futile effort; from my savings, to my family, to my church, to my very freedom itself, and what do I have to show for all of this? Nothing. I've lost it all for nothing. Despite my many failures, I knew going in that what I'm fighting for is worth every sacrifice I could possibly make. There's absolutely nothing I wouldn't give and nothing I wouldn't do, because my heart is committed and I can't turn back now. But what's the right decision for me at this point? If things don't change dramatically for the better over the coming months, I think that I'll have no choice but to move and never come back. What more can I do that I haven't already done??? Everything I've tried to this point has backfired miserably and only made matters worse. This isn't how I wanted things to be. I hope that this sad situation will resolve soon, that fears will be overcome, that misunderstandings will clear up, that anger will turn to kindness, and that a personal exchange can take place at last between parties leading to the happiness I long for. I desperately need to share the truth with her before it's too late. All I want is a chance.

Legal disclaimer: This reflection is written to my personal Web site as part of my First Ammendment right to freedom of speech, protected by the United States Constitution. It pertains to my own life experiences, and it's not written about anyone else. This reflection is not a communication to any person or entity, either directly or indirectly, and shall not be maliciously misconstrued as such. Any visit to my personal Web site is a voluntary act on the part of the visitor. © 2017 - no use or reproduction is permitted without my permission.

My projects, resume, and blog won't be displayed again on this page until circumstances change.
However, my special event photo and video galleries are still available at: http://dorchurches.com/galleries.php

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05/27/2017, 12:07:53am
Created by: James J. Sarkis
Last update: May 18, 2017