JSarkis.com

A potpourri of projects by James J. Sarkis
Rochester, NY


Sometimes the only way to hold on to hope in a seemingly hopeless situation is to express one's inner thoughts in writing. I'm going to give this a shot and see if it brings me any relief.

A moment of self-reflection... Since the year 2006, something personal and extremely important to me has been privately building up inside my heart. For so many years, I was afraid to bring up the subject for fear of what the reaction might be. I finally summoned the courage to take action a few years ago but, as fate would have it, my attempts to open up were unsuccessful, and I never got to say what I wanted to say. A cycle of unpleasant actions and reactions was set into motion which continues to this day without end in sight. It's my firm belief that if I was ever afforded the opportunity to openly discuss what I've kept hidden for so long, then the problems which exist would be peacefully resolved, and there would be happiness at last. Sadly, this opportunity hasn't been extended to me. There have been a handful of external forces at work obstructing my desire for peace and making this impossible. That's so unfortunate, because I don't think any of this would've happened if the truth was known. I sit idly by in my prison, hoping and waiting for good news to finally arrive in the form of a pleasant phone call or long-awaited personal visit, but it's becoming increasingly unlikely that this will ever occur. All I'm left with now is feelings of regret.

Might things be different today had I been a braver man and spoken up years ago? Perhaps, though it's impossible for me to predict the reactions of someone else. I'm not a mind-reader, after all. Is it too late for me to say what I need to say? I don't know. Present circumstances prevent me from doing so, despite my having the best of intentions. I have no idea what, if anything, can be done at this point; and that's deeply troubling to me. It feels as though time is quickly running out and the window of opportunity is about to close forever. How I wish that I could turn back the clock and change things. I would've reacted differently, spoken kinder words, and I certainly would have been bolder and revealed the truth years ago instead of waiting for some perfect scenario which never materialized. To my great despair, the past is the past, and I'm left searching for a narrow sliver of light in the current darkness. I desperately hope that someday, before time expires, that I can have just one more chance to share what's so important. Even if my words fall upon unwelcoming ears, at the very least I could say that I tried and that I didn't leave any uncertainty about this matter. I know in my heart that if the opportunity ever presents itself, that I'd seize the chance immediately. This unending, gnawing pain caused by my silence is too great a burden to bear, and I can't fathom spending the rest of my life suffering like this and wondering... "what if?"

I stand now at the most critical crossroad of my life: Do I remain here in Rochester waiting for an opportunity which might never arrive; watching in pain as I'm forced into silence while another person has entered the picture to steal what I fought so hard for, or do I make a permanent move to North Carolina and gamble that this move might inspire a change of heart in someone else and provide me at last with the chance I've been seeking all this time? The stress of this decision is overwhelming and it leaves me in tears. Can I really abandon my family forever on what is essentially a roll of the dice? What do I do if I make the move down South and there ends up being no change of heart and no chance to privately discuss the truth? Time is running out for me to decide, and I'm terrified that I'm about to make the wrong decision. If I don't prevail in my legal appeal, or if things don't change dramatically for the better over the next couple months, I think that I'll have no choice but to move there and never come back. What else can I do? Everything I've tried to this point has backfired miserably and only made matters worse. This is not how I wanted it to be. I hope that this sad situation can quickly resolve before then, that fears will be overcome, that misunderstandings will clear up, that anger will turn to kindness, and that a personal exchange can take place at last leading to the happiness I've so desperately longed for. ~Feb. 18, 2017

Legal disclaimer: This reflection is written to my personal Web site as part of my First Ammendment right to freedom of speech, protected by the United States Constitution. It pertains to my own life experiences, and it's not written about anyone else. This reflection is not a communication to any person or entity, either directly or indirectly, and shall not be maliciously misconstrued as such. Any visit to my personal Web site is a voluntary act on the part of the visitor. © 2017 - no use or reproduction is permitted without my permission.

Note: My Web and software projects, resume, and blog won't be displayed again on this page until a later date.
However, my special event photo and video galleries are still available at: http://dorchurches.com/galleries.php

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73.161.238.192
02/20/2017, 12:45:53pm
Created by: James J. Sarkis
Last update: February 20, 2017